Yes of course but

Yes of course the spiritual and emotional is the game but…

oh, the tight wet friction, the eye contact

our sex organs relentless against each other

the cumming and gasping, fear and loathing

the surprises and violating, penetrations …

fuck me babe, be fucked, let’s rape it all away.

Morning Glory

Morning and you. And I. What a strange year. Strange day and minute right now. Suddenly all this virus stuff happened and I have hardly had to work for months.  A few challenging weeks, but I get my work done at home as fast as at the office, minus any time wasted on bullshit to fill in the gaps.

Doing all this writing – very sexual, which might be foolish and I worry about it.

This time in my life is so different than any other – I know there’s some great meaning to be found – I know it will leave me changed – change the course of my life. But I can’t find it yet.

I feel like I need to make use of this one never would have thought it could happen time – this is a pause in the game. I have a queen in my hand with a free chance to play her anywhere, and I haven’t a clue.  I’m not sure I care if I win anymore –  I’m not even sure if I’m still playing the game. I’m blogging a lot. I can’t find any higher purpose that motivates.

It is almost my birthday. Bought a new car. Every stimulus is here in the mix and I can’t assemble anything profound.

All l want to do is fuck to be blunt.  Yes, I know how empty and shallow it sounds, that’s the point of this post – my lackluster making of things.

Completing the Circle – Personal Story

Well my older sister saw my post-puberty cock the first night any other girl did, and my cousin did when I was 18 and we went skinny dipping (blogged about that) so why shouldn’t my baby sitter fifteen years later see too? I guess the answer is she should, or she did. It was a one nighter, or probably fifty nights if you count the babysitting. I know it might be overly psychoanalytical, and may be total bullshit, but I would guess it was so hot (maybe for us both) because of closure of some loop started when I was six or seven. She was in college then – around twelve years older.

Is it just me or is it bizarre? A woman who has seen you naked before puberty and has also seen you as a man hard as a rock? This can’t be all that common right? or, is this boring you?

Because it seems strange to me — as strange as the douche walking into the copy store I was working at that same summer; he attacked me in an ambush that another older boy in the neighborhood planned, to pull my pants down and play with my penis..  The other guy said to him, “see, I told you.” That’s all I remember about what was said. I didn’t understand it but I knew it was wrong.

The dude, now a grown man, reminded me who he was at the counter of the copy store.  Obviously the other boy had seen my penis, swimming, or who knows when, and wanted this guy to see; something was weird about how it looked or the size size of it perhaps, that compelled them both to hold me down and pull my pants off as I fought. This guy at my counter was the one who fondled while the instigator held me down, but that day so many years later he was friendly and unashamed, and made sure I remembered who he was – wouldn’t have recognized him. They were kids too at the time, five to seven years older, and I was not traumatized; but they were once I broke free and went and told my mother. You’d know it was not worth a dick fondle if you’d ever seen my mother after anyone fucks with her children. My dad was scary when he got angry, but you’d plead for his wrath in place what my mother would do to you in defense of us.

Anyway, the babysitter was older — don’t remember but she saw me naked of course, getting my pajamas on, giving us baths, or what not and so forth – she was old and never fondled as I recall. She was our best babysitter ever — always positive and fun, unlike some other grumps that would watch us. Lynn lived a few doors down from our first home, and many years later I ran into her at a neighborhood bar just a few miles from where we lived. She was still living in the same house with her mother.

I’d have never gone to the bar where I ran into her; accept, I was dog/house sitting for some friends and the bar was the only thing to do w/in walking (drinking) distance. The bar was super neighborhoody – dart boards, one pool table, two or three food options, friendly bartenders and patrons – everyone born within a ten mile radius. Salt of the earth people who kept close to home. Christian and family type of environment – no bikers, rockers, junkies, high rollers, just country music, Christians, drop outs, blue collar people – sprinkling of alcoholics. I admire it – having one neighborhood for life, uninterrupted connections, continuity of environment and friendships — I’ve lost or maimed many connections for ambition and fears. I’ve cut so many ties going away to achieve or running away to start anew.

The baby sitter was as nice and kind-hearted as I remembered. I didn’t remember her big awesome boobs or great ass.  After I ran into her I drank and hung out with her and the neighborhood friends the rest of the night until the bar closed. Sometime by the end of the night, during all the drinking, dart playing, and noticing things, we had worked out a plan; after the bar closed we both walked to the house I was watching.

And God Bless the wholeness of life, the circle was soon completed after we got back to  that house, when Lynn saw my cock again in a brand new light. She said she didn’t remember seeing me naked  (my penis)  as a young boy, (yes of course I asked get off me) and I didn’t believe her at all.

The sex was nice. It was very sincere and real. It was like hometown neighborhood sex, humble and non ambitious, real because people know you too well to fake them out anyway, and some stuff happens that you suspect is going on, hear some rumors, but never totally sure.

I wanted her to stay the night but she had to be home. Regardless of how late it already was, her mother would be nervous or freak out  (yes she was in her 30s) so I walked her home – we passed my childhood home along the way, and I pulled her onto the property, under my childhood climbing tree. It was still surrounded by bushes with the privacy that I enjoyed so much in my early years, and reality got super weird – sexy deja vu for a moment.

We got affectionate – 2am while trespassing on the property where Lynn babysat me way back when. I leaned against the tree, the first tree I can remember – the one I loved to to climb and hide up, while I held my former babysitter’s legs up, wrapped around me, and I was on my feet fucking. I got so sore and tired I could hardly hold her up and guide her down on me anymore – she was taking so long – i was focusing so hard on not quitting, that I never came. But we fucked until she came, and she let a noise slip so loud that we ran away and saw a light go on before hiding at her place, in her driveway out of view.

Such a great night. I feel embarrassed to say we never ran into each other or talked again. It was just meant to be that night – we knew it. I still think about her once in a while when I masturbate. You could imagine perhaps, beloved babysitter, authority figure – and then that night seeing her shy about me, less wordly in a sense, hearing and feeling her come, cumming in her – those are good memories that will remain useful as long as I live.