Morning Glory

Morning and you. And I. What a strange year. Strange day and minute right now. Suddenly all this virus stuff happened and I have hardly had to work for months.  A few challenging weeks, but I get my work done at home as fast as at the office, minus any time wasted on bullshit to fill in the gaps.

Doing all this writing – very sexual, which might be foolish and I worry about it.

This time in my life is so different than any other – I know there’s some great meaning to be found – I know it will leave me changed – change the course of my life. But I can’t find it yet.

I feel like I need to make use of this one never would have thought it could happen time – this is a pause in the game. I have a queen in my hand with a free chance to play her anywhere, and I haven’t a clue.  I’m not sure I care if I win anymore –  I’m not even sure if I’m still playing the game. I’m blogging a lot. I can’t find any higher purpose that motivates.

It is almost my birthday. Bought a new car. Every stimulus is here in the mix and I can’t assemble anything profound.

All l want to do is fuck to be blunt.  Yes, I know how empty and shallow it sounds, that’s the point of this post – my lackluster making of things.

Personal and Global Impact Of Pandemic

Has this virus and all of the uncertainty, forced us to reflect upon our lives? Our priorities? Purpose? Mortality?

Do you feel like it might not be such a bad thing? Perhaps being forced to pause, and look at these lives we’ve been busy with for so long, may be a positive consequence of Corona? We’ve been watching the statistics and counting the deaths, and we’re not yet through this enough to look back and see the whole, but maybe this worldwide timeout — the reflection and reassessments, is significant   What if the impact on our souls, and the direction of our lives is so profound, that the death counts is trivial. Of course there might be some negative impacts that we cannot yet foresee, but I think Corona might also have been a blessing – a timeout to regroup — a chance for second thoughts and new directions.

Am I being too optimistic? Is it just me who has been feeling this?

It’s been sneaking up on me. We have all of these connections and courses of action, and streams, plans, people, decisions and expectations, swarming, like a trillion little conversations and mechanisms at work, autonomously, going unnoticed — just streams and choices that  we’ve put into motion, then forgotten about. Reflecting, I see that I have been paying more attention, and checking in on the unquestioned more than usual.

Before the virus, it seemed my life was fairly locked in place, in terms of where my life would be going over the next five years or decade. The course was stable and my risk sufficiently minimized, so there was a high probability that my future would be fine; and, there was nothing about where I was headed that excited me; there was nothing about where it all would lead, that I would ever choose.

But lately, I find myself questioning.

“Why does it have to be that, why not this? Maybe it wouldn’t kill me if I change some plans; apparently, a virus can randomly show up at any time and possibly kill me; so, maybe I should go with a scarier, but hundred times more awesome plan instead? Call it the fuckit plan.

It’s strange, there is a lot of little things that for some reason I had come to think of as inevitable, that I’m seeing differently lately.  I guess after four months in isolation, worrying about my parents getting the virus, and wondering how fucked the whole country or world might end up, some serious choices and important concerns, do not seem so serious and important anymore.

Finances, my career, my rapidly decreasing odds of ever finding love and having a family of my own – feel a bit less crucial, this is shit that can’t kill me. I read these articles and listen to financial exports, week after week, which basically just reinforces the fact that I am fucked when it comes to retirement; So much energy worrying about the future; Lately I’ve been thinking, why bother worrying so much. I might be dead by the time I retire, and not even need a penny, let alone one of these wisely planned, enormous nest-eggs most everyone seems to have.

Some friends suggested I come to Alaska next month and tour with their band for a few weeks.  I think I’m going to do it. Thee months ago, I would have thought it was a big deal, and I would not have gone. But it’s not a big deal, it’s just chilling in Alaska for a few weeks..

Life is short, I need to waste less time on worries and regrets.  We all do. I need to forget about getting married,  and stop worrying about growing old, all alone. I need to stop hoping that I’ll meet a woman, and not regret why I didn’t get married younger, like everyone else does.

I want to focus on the present and appreciate the good things:  My parents, family, a few good friends, my good health, the outdoors, music, road trips, writing, my home, healthy erections knock on wood, creating stuff just for the fuck of it, breasts, spontaneous trips, flying somewhere on a whim.

I don’t know what the final impact will be. The pandemic is still going on, but I think the last three months will have a much bigger impact on my life than I expected. I think it’s possible that the world has been changed, more than we realize, and it might actually be for the good.