A disclaimer and advice for everyone who reads this blog – especially for those of you with fewer years behind you and a larger amount of choices in front.
All evidence, and all my experiences suggest that finding someone to love for life, a spouse, is the best option for both practical purposes and for happiness. I recommend that until you find someone, you make finding them your mission.
My stories and lifestyle do not reflect a normal nor optimal situation – even doing these interviews is something those with more normal relationships and situations probably couldn’t or wouldn’t do. I took some costly risks with my choices and career path early on, partly because I knew I was strong enough to endure whatever happened – to survive whatever was on the other side of risks that didn’t pan out.
This is not to say I knew what I was doing, or was wise. The choice to be a professional artist (first career) was not the greatest family planing. There are a couple ex girlfriends I might marry if I could go back and do it over again. I don’t expect any sympathy for it, but the quality of my parent’s marriage was an unrealistic ideal – something I was expecting and almost guaranteed never to find.
It also seemed like finding love was easy, like most everyone I wanted would love me when I was ready. Of course the landscape changes and the options become less abundant as others your age get married. But something even more significant starts to change as we close out our twenties. We begin to fill in the details and define ourselves, and the part of us left undefined – available to customize for a significant other, continues to diminish the older we get. It gets harder fall in love and harder to merge into a combined entity, and more baggage gets accrued.
There were girlfriends who warned me they would marry someone else if I didn’t take action. A few even came around after being married for a while, looking to disrupt their boredom, but it is always too late. Once they are married, and especially once they have children, it’s too late for you. Once the time is gone, the music stops, and everyone has grabbed their seat – if you haven’t taken one, you are fucked. The game of marriage and family ends and you either find a new game, or you drink yourself to death or wither away in some other miserable fashion. Now that I am getting too old to likely find a wife young enough to have children, I’m pretty much dropping the idea of ever getting married.
So, to my point. I am lucky in that I have loving parents and had a stable upbringing. Also, I am very into my work and okay with devoting myself to study and creating. But it is hard. even with most other aspects of my life going well. If I were INCEL (involuntarily celibate), forget it, I couldn’t handle it.
I am an optimist and survivor, and the wilder moments shared with you on this blog reflect some of the ways I’ve tried to make the most of my freedom and the gambles I have lost. Life could be worse; I believe the best course is to make the most out of our possibilities – help others make the most out of theirs.
If you have any choice in the matter, if you haven’t already, find a spouse to love and make a family with. I did not, and this blog is small part of my not so boring plan B.